And You Call This Strange
by WhenYouGrowUp
Summary: First fic! In which Chas has competition and everyone may end up dead. Brutal.
1. Chapter 1

"What does 'lol' mean?" John muttered.

"What?" sputtered Chas, glancing in the rear-view mirror. "John, are you texting back there?"

"What?" said John, more loudly. He had forgotten there was anyone else in the cab.

"Texting, John. It means typing in little messages on your phone. And since when did you have a cell phone?"

"Li got it for me. Damn screen keeps going dark."

"Type faster then. John, you do realize that Li's not a real person."

"Women are real people, too, Chas."

"Seriously, John, having invisible friends at your age isn't cute, it's schizophrenia." Silence in the back. "Are you listening to me?"

"No."

"I know talking to real live women can be scary, John, but it's not healthy to hide behind a pretend girlfriend."

"Li's not my girlfriend."

"Are you saying you haven't worked up the nerve to ask out your imaginary friend? I mean, she did buy you a cell phone, John, so I'm pretty sure she likes you."

"Cut it out, you little freak-"

"You're calling _me_ a freak?"

"- Li's not my girlfriend, she's my apprentice."

That shut Chas up for almost five entire minutes.

"That was pretty mean, John."

"It's true, though. Ask Beeman."

"Nah. I'll take your word for it."

He put the car in park and waited for John to get out. John hesitated as he opened the door, but got out without saying anything, and for once Chas drove away before John was out of sight.


	2. Chapter 2

A week later and Chas was still sulking. John shifted in the back seat and reminded himself that this was better than Li's reaction- she had responded to the announcement of his taking a second apprentice by stabbing John in the ribs. He rubbed the scar and wondered if he should take her threat to gut Chas and eat the poor kid's pancreas seriously.

"Why the pancreas?" he said to himself.

"John, I forbid you to hold conversations with your imaginary apprentice when I'm around," snapped Chas.

John almost smiled.

"I thought you weren't talking to me," he said.

"I'm not. I'm just laying down some ground rules."

John grunted and settled back, waiting for it.

"Alright, fine, John, I'll play your sick little game," said Chas. "If Li is real and is your real apprentice, how come she's never around?"

"I sent her to go pick up some things."

"Like what, John? What takes a year to pick up?"

"That's a good question," said John.

"You know what? You're a real asshole."

"So I hear." He watched Chas grind his teeth for a moment before relenting. "She's never around because we don't get along."

"Gee, I wonder why that is?"

"That's not why."

"I'm pretty sure that's a contributing factor, John."

Chas pulled up to the curb and turned around in his seat.

"Stay here," said John, cutting him off.

"Come on, John. Just this once? Please? You let your imaginary apprentice come to exorcisms."

"Like hell I do. Both of you stay here."

"Wait, what?" said Chas, looking wildly around the cab. John slammed the door and stalked off. "Hey! Asshole."


	3. Chapter 3

Li hadn't seemed like the violent type when John met her. A little strange, sure, but not an outright psychopath. She couldn't drive or cook, she didn't like to be touched, she smirked a lot for no obvious reason. No problems there some driving lessons and a cooking class couldn't fix. He could live with the rest.

He should make Chas take a cooking class.

Three years of quiet living. Then one night John goes out looking for some information at a dance club popular with vampires and the more idiotic half-breeds. Instead he finds his apprentice sitting in the lap of the leader of a notorious dark-arts coven, looking like she made a habit of it. John, furious, stalked over and demanded to know what the hell she thought she was doing.

"What the hell does it look like she's doing?" said Li's living chair. "Fuck off."

So John hit him over the head with a bottle. It turned out not to be the smartest thing he'd ever done- not only was this guy twice John's size, he was also a good friend of Li's. Her best friend, in fact. Her best friend since they were five years old, and she resented it when this friend got hit over the head by someone she could hardly stand in the first place. Not that John had realized that Li didn't like him.

By the time John was out of the hospital Li had moved out and Li's uncle had flown in demanding to know why she wanted the apprenticeship dissolved. John was all for putting an end to it, until it turned out her family wanted their security money returned. The negotiations took months and Li's bribe was exorbitant, but she came back at last, and that's when the trouble started.


	4. Chapter 4

Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear. Or she shall, in this case. John knew Li was back by the time he and Chas reached the first landing- the stairwell smelled of food.

"Is Beeman cooking?" said Chas, sniffing. "Oh, that smells good. Do you think he'll give me some?"

"It's not Beeman," said John. "You should go home."

"Like hell I should go home, John, I'm starving," said Chas, bounding ahead, sniffing left and right. "It's coming from your apartment. Oh. I hear Angela. Maybe I will go home."

"What's your problem with Angela?" said John, not really caring.

Maybe it was Angela cooking dinner. John wasn't sure which he would prefer- violent or awkward. He opened the door.

Looks like he was getting both, with some twitchy on the side. Li was dumping what looked suspiciously like vegetables into a wok and talking on the phone; Beeman was flipping through some manuscripts Li had brought back and talking to himself; Angela had a furious smile on her face and was talking to whomever was listening, at least until John walked in.

"Hi, John," called Li, somehow looking both smug and frustrated. "Yeah, I know what that means, Halliday. I've already gone over it six times, do it yourself if you don't believe me…"

"There you are, John," said Beeman. "Take a look at this."

Angela just glared. She clearly hadn't been told about Li, either. Chas became even more oppressively cheerful and edged toward the kitchen. John's head began to ring.

"Li," he said. "Pour me a drink while you're over there."

She gave him the finger, but she pulled down the whiskey bottle and some glasses. Maybe she was having fun pissing off Angela. That would be lucky, in a way. Li shouted a lot less when she had someone to sneer at.

"No, I don't know what I'm going to do," Li was saying into the phone. "Why do I always have to think of everything? The end of the world is everybody's problem, I don't see why I have to do all the work. I am not being dramatic, asshole. Whatever. Yeah, you do that."

She snapped her phone shut and started dumping rice and stir fry onto plates.

"You're late," said John, sipping his drink.

"Am not," said Li, downing hers.

"What was that about the end of the world?" said Beeman.

"Same old, same old."

"Where's that icon I told you to get?" said John, turning over the stuff on the table.

"On its way from Hong Kong," said Li. "It'll be here next week. You owe me 2500, by the way."

"Like hell I do," said John. "I told you not to go over 1500."

"I didn't. The rest is for bribes and shipping."

"How much does it cost to send something on a container ship, for fuck's sake?"

Li snatched the glass out of his hand and spat in it.

"Oh, right, like I'm afraid of your cooties," snapped John, snatching it back and taking another drink.

"You should be," said Li, just managing not to laugh.

"John, did you just say 'cooties'?" said Chas.

"No," said John. "Eat your dinner."


End file.
